Tivanah's Hot 100 Dead or Alive: Maxim couldn't figure out how to get it right, so it's our turn... with dudes.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal - He's the total package.

2. Ryan Reynolds - He's a ridiculous human and people don't really look like this.

3. Maxwell - With or without a fro, still gorgeous.

4. Robert Downey, Jr. - Hilarious, talented, attractive, and we always like 'em a little bit older.

5. Elvis Presley - It's Elvis...

6. Shia LaBeouf - Who woulda thought Lewis Stevens would turn out this mind blowing?

7. John Krasinski - He's the nicest boy on the planet.

8. Michael C. Hall - The man is Dexter. Need we say more?

9. Patrick Swayze - Nobody puts baby in a corner.

10. Mark Wahlberg - Even with a third nipple, we'd tap that.

11. Peyton Manning (Cerfoglio) - 'Nuff said.

12. John Travolta - Saturday Night Fever days.

13. Jeff Bridges - The Dude is GD sexy.

14. John Stamos - Have mercy!

15. James Franco - Saying you don't think James Franco is attractive is like blowing up a unicorn with a bomb.

16. Marlon Brando - circa 1950's.

17. Pauly Shore - We know it's wrong, but we love the Weasel.

18. Alexander Skarsgard - Words cannot describe.

19. Paul Newman - circa 1960's.

20. Michael Jackson - Don't talk shit, just let it happen.

21. Andrew Keegan - He was our dreamiest dream in sixth grade.

22. Zach Galifianakis - He may not be the most attractive, but he is the funniest.

23. Jim Carrey - We just love him, a lot.

24. Aubrey "Drake" Graham - Everything is better in Canada.

25. Bradley Cooper - Would you put on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.

26. Anderson Cooper - He's a Vanderbilt and the most silver Silver Fox out there.

27. Frank Sinatra - circa 1938 mugshot.

28. Leonardo DiCaprio - Not only was he our favorite when we were 12, but he continues to be one of the greatest men alive.

29. Terrence Howard - Whoop that trick, get 'em!

30. Bob Marley - He speaks to us.

31. Robert DiNero - "You talkin' to me?"

32. Gerard Butler - He's the Sexecutioner.

33. Lenny Kravitz - Savanah's mom would do anything for this man.

34. Alec Baldwin - He may verbally abuse his children, but he is still funny as hell.

35. Heath Ledger - Gone much too soon.

36. Jonathan Taylor Thomas - 1993-1995, he was the dude.

37. Tupac - Probably one of the greatest artists of our time.

38. Rob Lowe - His voice is a dream.

39. Christian Bale - He may be a psycho, but you can't deny.

40. Lil Wayne - Fire.

41. Luke Perry - He's just fantastic.

42. Garth Brooks - Literally one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.

43. 50 Cent - Intelligent, talented, gorge.

44. Andy Samberg - Hangin' like my nuts.

45. Michael Franti - How you feeeelin'?!

46. Ryane Clowe - This hockey player gets Tiffany goin'.

47. Scott Baio - Savanah wants to touch his bing bong.

48. Seth Meyers - He's just cute and his smile... damn.

49. Daniel Tosh - He's hilarious.

50. Dick Van Dyke - circa Mary Poppins.

51. Mike Rowe - Best narrator next to Morgan Freeman.

52. Jesse James - We aren't Team Bombshell, but "Vanilla Gorilla" is GD hot.

53. Jim Morrisson - He's the Lizard King.

54. Al Pacino - He's Scarface.

55. Pepper - The entire band is ripped and Savanah is currently into Hawaiians.

56. Austin Collie - The most attractive Mormon we've ever seen.

57. John Corbett - He's big and tall and strong.

58. Paul Rudd - Even in his Clueless days...

59. Albie Monzo - Yes, it's literally the kid from RH of NJ. Don't judge, just watch.

60. Sean Connery - Oldie, but a goodie.

61. Ryan Gosling - He's a beaut.

62. Ed Helms - Paging Dr. Faggot.

63. Chad Ochocinco - He may be eccentric, but the man is attractive.

64. Gene Kelly - Singer, dancer extraordinaire!

65. Joel McHale - He may be slightly ginger, but there is always an exception.

66. Usher - He's relevant.

67. Nigel Barker - Noted fashion photographer.

68. Justin Bieber - It's legal in Canada.

69. Brian Wilson - Baseball pants.

70. Clint Eastwood - Do you feel lucky?

71. Matthew McConaughey - Alllright, allright, alllright!

72. Edward Norton - He's an outstanding actor.

73. Eddie Vedder - We don't normally like guys with long hair, but yes please!

74. John Slattery - Brown chicken, brown cow.

75. Damian Marley - He's half Bob Marley.

76. Mark Sanchez (Peterson) - Hot damn.

77. KANYE WEST - WHY CAN'T YOU LET HIM BE GREAT?

78. Brady Quinn - Football pants.

79. Will Smith - He makes cute babies and he just looks like he doesn't totally suck.

80. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - He's ripped and Hawaiian.

81. Mark Salling - This little treasure came out of nowhere.

82. Sasha Baren Cohen - TDH + sense of humor = happy chuckies.

83. Brandon "The Truth" Vera - MMA fighter and he's Hawaiian. Done deal.

84. Michael Imperioli - We needed to add another WOP.

85. Giovanni Ribisi - He's adore.

86. Ben Affleck - He's gonna age well.

87. Ralph Macchio - Oh, just another Italian.

88. Sam Wellington - He's Australian and he's in the most epic cinematic adventure ever made.

89. Peter Saarsgard - PEEEETER SAAAARSGARD.

90. Hugh Laurie - British, funny, pretty eyes. Check, check, and check.

91. Tom Hanks and Colin Hanks - Keepin' it all in the fam.

92. Matt Dillon - circa The Outsiders.

93. Anthony Michael Hall - Weird Science.

94. Robert Pattinson - Tiffany disagrees and feels that he should be in the top 20, but the broad didn't agree.

95. Ludacris - He's purty.

96. Jake & Josh Harris - Tiffany is married to Jake, after all.

97. Dane Cook - One of the funniest people alive.

98. Reggie Bush - He tapped THE Kardashian.

99. Emilio Estevez - Emilio!

100. Sterling Archer - Yes, he is a cartoon, but he's hot and hilarious.

Terrifying, but I still love it.

Yes, it's true. My husband's face will be on display at Madame Tussaud's in New York. I'm so proud of him.

Everyone loves GaGa.

This broad just keeps getting better.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi... you just don't know when to zip your fat injected lips, do you? If your plastic surgeon is cutting you off then it's probably time to scale back on the "upgrades". Oh, but wait... your boobs aren't big enough, right?

"I love my boobs, but I still want to improve. I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted." Heidi says, adding that she wants to up them to a size H "for Heidi".

A size fucking H?! No one in their right fucking mind wants boobs that are a size H! And not because you think they'll look good, but you want your boobs to start with the same letter as your name? They'll also conveniently start with the same letter as "Hooker", "Hot Tranny Mess", "Hypocrite", and "Herpes" (which is something that I desperately hope you have). Good Christ, someone please put this bitch down immediately.

Lovin',

Sniff

Fucking bummer.

There isn't a single vagina in this world that is more obsessed with RPatz than me, but I can't help but be disappointed and disturbed by Little Ashes. Sure, Dali is crazy and awkward, but Rob standing in a mirror with a mangina? As much as it pains me to admit it, Savanah was right about this one.

Rob can still do no wrong in my eyes.

The bitch would also like to add that "Rob Pattinson takes the 'n' out of fang".

Poreotix.

We have a weakness for thweety Asian kids that can dance.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm gettin' that, fa sho!

Cancer Sucks.

The kid on percussion reps hard for a cure for cancer.

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle. (3/2-3/6)

I fuckin' love Michael McDonald. He reminds me of good times and he's a total silver fox. Hate on me all you want, you know you'd hit it.

Lovin',

Weez

33HZ - Greatest Band Ever?

Thanks to an adorable boy we know named Cheffy Geoffy, we were introduced to the band 33HZ (pronounced 33 "hertz"). Savanah has had the compact disc for almost two weeks and it has yet to leave her player. Please make yourselves familiar with the ENTIRE self titled album. It will blow your mind.

Dancing With The Has-Beens Predictions

Pamela Anderson-Lee: We read somewhere that she is participating in this contest to "concentrate on good things". Can you dance with Hep C?

Kate Gosselin: This subject is incredibly sensitive for Savanah. Before the shit hit the Gosselin fan, she watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 religiously and was connected to each of the children, except for Maddie because she's an asshole. Having said that, we wish you well possum-head.

Nicole Scherzinger: This is completely unfair for all of the has-beens involved. Bitch is a professional dancer and a Pussycat Doll! That's like going into a singing contest against Whitney "Kiss my ass!" Houston.

Aiden Turner: Who are you? A soap star? Clearly, since you're on a soap opera, you're harboring homosexual tendencies so we're positive you're an outstanding dancer. Good luck, Aiden!

Niecy Nash: What's up Deputy Raineesha Williams? Our team!

Shannen Doherty: Now we got ourselves a party! Somebody is going to get their tires slashed, sparkly outfits will be burned, and eyes will be scratched out if anyone else even thinks about winning. Seriously, vote for Shannen, we don't know what Brenda Walsh is capable of.

Erin Andrews: It's like she has ESPN or something.

Buzz Aldrin: This dude is our hero because he walked on the moon AND he's going to be on DWTHB's all in one lifetime. What an American Legend!

Evan Lysacek: So this dude is an Ice Princess? We didn't really watch the Olympics, but apparently he won gold, so we're sure he's a great dancer. Follow in Kristi's foot steps! We've got our eye on you...

Jake Pavelka: He's a pilot. He's marrying Vienna, the transvestite. And his show was entitled "On the Wings of Love". Lose Jake, lose.

Chad Ochocinco: FUCKING A, DUDE! KICK ASSSSS. This will be the most entertaining part of this entire show. Don't forget your sombrero, Ocho! If they think they're gonna win just tell 'em "Child please, kiss the baby."

Dear Aubrey Drake Graham,

I love you and I want you to know that.

Love,

Sniff

New hubbband alert!

So, I realize that Maxwell is not new to the game, but he is newly blowing my mind and my no no's. This is my dreamiest dream. Football season is about to be over, my jersey will be hung up for the season, so I'm going to go get me some Maxwell compact discs!

Lovin',

Weez

Wannabe GaGa of the week.

Sorry. No...

Give us all of your shoes, Alexander McQueen.

Don't hate. Appreciate.

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/29-1/31)

1. When anyone gives you free tickets to a metal show at The Knit, go. You never know how fast you'll get drunk and find yourself with the only two gays in the place, judging relentlessly, and eventually get back handed by your closest friends.

2. Sometimes, when you see an epic Eazy-E t-shirt, you are unable to form your words and are forced to sound like the Cowardly Lion with "Lllllook at his shirt!". You will be hazed relentlessly until the end of time.

3. Savanah is going to be the best sister-in-law on the planet.

4. If you're unable to attend Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs due to the massive amounts of douche waiting for a table, please visit Black Bear Diner. Although you may get accosted by a terrifying man in a bear costume, you will consume delicious breakfast food.

5. It's completely unacceptable for D.B. Schwartz to not be at Abby's Highway 40 on Saturday nights.

6. Being two obviously attractive young women dressed up and sitting in the audience of a metal show at Davidson's Distillery is the surest way to not have anyone talk to you. Savanah now goes by "Havana".

7. Shout out to Jenny that works at Salon 7! "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay... okay, I'm a little bit gay." Please visit Tronix to retrieve your purse. Video to be posted after this update.

8. Our friend Cheffrey Geoffrey may or may not be the coolest straight man on the planet. There are very few that will be at the gay bar with us until 3:30AM and be willing to go again. He's the biggest thweety we know. Eric is one of Tiffany's favorite people in the world.

9. We only attract foreign folks now. Savanah met her favorite African in the entire world. There is also video evidence of how fantastic he is.

10. It really makes you feel terrible when you make fun of someone for 20 minutes and then you realize they have some sort of disability. Sorry Jamie Foxx's sister, no hard feelings. We already know we are going to hell with gasoline shorts on.

Hot Tranny Mess of the Day - 2/1

Kesha, where do we even start with you? Honestly, you have left us no choice but to decide you were the best candidate for Hot Tranny Mess. First of all, comb your GD hair. Second of all, please hire a stylist, make up artist, and never wear those shoes again. Third of all, don't do that with your face. Enough said.

Get Well Soon, Father-In-Law, aka Phil Harris

We learned today that Tiffany's father-in-law, Phil Harris, has been put into a medically induced coma and has undergone a serious surgery. F.I.L suffered from a stroke while he was off loading his boat. Jake Harris, Tiffany's husband, and her brother-in-law, Josh Harris, will be speaking with doctors soon. Feel better, Cap'n!

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/22-1/24)

1. Don't invite people over to watch outstanding HBO programs unless you are completely positive that they will enjoy said outstanding HBO programs. Shit could get weird.

2. Pegs Glorified Ham & Eggs is the most delicious establishment in Reno, NV. Get a skillet and Get Familiar.

3. Sam Merlotte is Matt Chambers in Season One of Dexter.

4. Sometimes, when you're out on the town, you meet people from Latvia. Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, said people are walking around in your house in their underwear. And sometimes, you're okay with it.

5. The Gold Dust West has outstanding popcorn chicken. Sometimes, you'll find a cute boy to buy you the popcorn chicken.

6. Savanah believes that anyone out in Reno can only be from Reno. If you try to tell her otherwise she will make you show her your identification. After viewing your identification, she will tell you that you made a kick ass fake ID and still not believe you.

7. Tivanah Cerickson is a 50/50 partnership. Savanah is the brawn and Tiffany is the brain. If we are separated for an extended period of time then one of us will be murdered by a foreigner.

8. The Indianapolis Colts are the AFC Champions and will be attending the Superbowl. So sad for you, Brett Favre. Please retire.

9. Peyton Manning, Austin Collie, and Mark Sanchez will eventually be married to yours truly, plus Angeline. Even if we have to kill their wives... Dexter style.

10. I'm impressed with a three legged dog, but that doesn't mean it's going to win the fucking Iditarod.

This is more devastating than Haitian earthquakes.

For those of you that aren't familiar, Michael C Hall has Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is a fancy title for cancer. Words cannot describe how devastated we are by this new development. Of all of the people in all of the world that need to be sick... why is it our sweet, sweet Dexter?! And why the fuck is Mad Men dominating over Dexter in award shows? We are not familiar with Mad Men, nor do we want to be, but we are completely confident that Dexter is a much better television program. Get well soon? Fuck that, get well NOW! We's lovin' you, Michael!

It's time for Daddy to make some funny.

This is some Mortal Kombat shit!

As we're sure you are all aware, Heidi Montag recently fucked herself up by getting ten different plastic surgery procedures in one day. For some reason she believes that this is an improvement. We can all clearly see that she has no fucking idea what she is doing. Thank you, Heidi, for being so stupid because you continue to provide endless amounts of entertainment for us real people. FINISH HER.

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle. (1/25/10)

We realize that we posted two Silver Foxes before Anderson Cooper. We did this specifically because Anderson Cooper is THE Silver Fox and we didn't feel we were ready mentally, physically, or emotionally until tonight. We wish all men would look like this as they get older, but apparently only the gay ones do.

This one goes out to a young lady known as Angeline Peterson. NFL SPANK BANK.

We realize not all of you are as familiar as we are with the attractiveness that the National Football League has to offer. For your convenience, please view from left to right and the numbers will correspond:

1. Pierre Garcon, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: This is the newest member of the greatest team in the NFL. He's repping for our Haitian brothers and sisters in their time of need right now and he makes touchdowns on the regs. Loves him.

2. Ryan Clark, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: We must admit that we are not incredibly familiar with Ryan Clark, but he's got a fine ass.

3. Mike Tomlin (Epps), Head Coach, Pittsburgh Steelers: This man is on this list for Angeline. She loves him and thinks he's new hottness. We do not disagree with this, thus, his appearance on our list.

4. Reggie Bush, Running Back, New Orleans Saints: First of all, he is with a Kardashian, so we like him. Second of all, "BOOM" goes the fuckin' DY-NO-MITE. Third of all, his body is fire.

5. Brady Quinn, Starting Quarterback, Cleveland Browns: How the fuck did we not know about Brady GD Quinn?! This man is scrumptious in more ways than one. We're sorry that you're on the Browns, but when you get traded to a better team because that's what your face deserves... we'll care more.

6. Austin Collie, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: Not only is he an amazing football player on the best team in the NFL, but TOTAL VAGINA DOMINATION. PtotheS: Have fucking Mercy, Austin Collie's parents! PtothePtotheS: Brooke Pendleton-Collie, your days are numbered.

7. Peyton Manning, Starting Quarterback, Indianapolis Colts: This man is currently happily married to Savanah Cerfoglio. She realizes that he may not be the most attractive on this list, but he is the best fucking football player in the league, has an outstanding personality, a Superbowl ring, a hot older brother, and... not gonna lie... he's good in the sack.

8. Mark Sanchez, Starting Quarterback, New York Jets: We were completely unaware of this fine piece of tail until yesterday's total domination by the Indianapolis Colts. If you're sad because you lost, Mark, please feel free to visit Young Circle. Maybe the hottest player in the NFL? You tell us...

9. Hines Ward, Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers: He has the cutest face and biggest smile in the NFL. We just think he's a little peach.

10. Jason Taylor, Defensive Lineman, Miami Dolphins: Jason Taylor, why are you playing football and not modeling for Calvin Klein? You missed your calling, stupid.

11. REGGIE WAYNE, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: His name is in all caps because that's how you're supposed to pronounce it. He is also on this list for the enjoyment of Mrs. Peterson-Sanchez and he's on the greatest team ever.

12. Troy Polamalu, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: The hair.

Apparently, if you're attractive and want to play football for a living, you either get drafted by the Steelers or the Colts. Just an observation. Get Familiar.

We would like to apologize for the delay in making you familiar...

The man showcased above is the reason for our extended absence. We were unintentionally sucked into the vortex also known as the Showtime television series "Dexter". We did not rest for two weeks as we were spending countless hours in front of the television to catch up on all four seasons of this magnificent program. If you have not seen this show, please... Get Familiar.

Also, we got very familiar with Sookeh Stackhouse and Beehl Compton of True Blood. Although we have yet to finish the second season, we are completely enthralled and contribute a portion of our absence to this fantastic HBO adventure.