Dear Aubrey Drake Graham,

I love you and I want you to know that.

Love,

Sniff

New hubbband alert!

So, I realize that Maxwell is not new to the game, but he is newly blowing my mind and my no no's. This is my dreamiest dream. Football season is about to be over, my jersey will be hung up for the season, so I'm going to go get me some Maxwell compact discs!

Lovin',

Weez

Wannabe GaGa of the week.

Sorry. No...

Give us all of your shoes, Alexander McQueen.

Don't hate. Appreciate.

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/29-1/31)

1. When anyone gives you free tickets to a metal show at The Knit, go. You never know how fast you'll get drunk and find yourself with the only two gays in the place, judging relentlessly, and eventually get back handed by your closest friends.

2. Sometimes, when you see an epic Eazy-E t-shirt, you are unable to form your words and are forced to sound like the Cowardly Lion with "Lllllook at his shirt!". You will be hazed relentlessly until the end of time.

3. Savanah is going to be the best sister-in-law on the planet.

4. If you're unable to attend Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs due to the massive amounts of douche waiting for a table, please visit Black Bear Diner. Although you may get accosted by a terrifying man in a bear costume, you will consume delicious breakfast food.

5. It's completely unacceptable for D.B. Schwartz to not be at Abby's Highway 40 on Saturday nights.

6. Being two obviously attractive young women dressed up and sitting in the audience of a metal show at Davidson's Distillery is the surest way to not have anyone talk to you. Savanah now goes by "Havana".

7. Shout out to Jenny that works at Salon 7! "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay... okay, I'm a little bit gay." Please visit Tronix to retrieve your purse. Video to be posted after this update.

8. Our friend Cheffrey Geoffrey may or may not be the coolest straight man on the planet. There are very few that will be at the gay bar with us until 3:30AM and be willing to go again. He's the biggest thweety we know. Eric is one of Tiffany's favorite people in the world.

9. We only attract foreign folks now. Savanah met her favorite African in the entire world. There is also video evidence of how fantastic he is.

10. It really makes you feel terrible when you make fun of someone for 20 minutes and then you realize they have some sort of disability. Sorry Jamie Foxx's sister, no hard feelings. We already know we are going to hell with gasoline shorts on.

Hot Tranny Mess of the Day - 2/1

Kesha, where do we even start with you? Honestly, you have left us no choice but to decide you were the best candidate for Hot Tranny Mess. First of all, comb your GD hair. Second of all, please hire a stylist, make up artist, and never wear those shoes again. Third of all, don't do that with your face. Enough said.

Get Well Soon, Father-In-Law, aka Phil Harris

We learned today that Tiffany's father-in-law, Phil Harris, has been put into a medically induced coma and has undergone a serious surgery. F.I.L suffered from a stroke while he was off loading his boat. Jake Harris, Tiffany's husband, and her brother-in-law, Josh Harris, will be speaking with doctors soon. Feel better, Cap'n!

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/22-1/24)

1. Don't invite people over to watch outstanding HBO programs unless you are completely positive that they will enjoy said outstanding HBO programs. Shit could get weird.

2. Pegs Glorified Ham & Eggs is the most delicious establishment in Reno, NV. Get a skillet and Get Familiar.

3. Sam Merlotte is Matt Chambers in Season One of Dexter.

4. Sometimes, when you're out on the town, you meet people from Latvia. Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, said people are walking around in your house in their underwear. And sometimes, you're okay with it.

5. The Gold Dust West has outstanding popcorn chicken. Sometimes, you'll find a cute boy to buy you the popcorn chicken.

6. Savanah believes that anyone out in Reno can only be from Reno. If you try to tell her otherwise she will make you show her your identification. After viewing your identification, she will tell you that you made a kick ass fake ID and still not believe you.

7. Tivanah Cerickson is a 50/50 partnership. Savanah is the brawn and Tiffany is the brain. If we are separated for an extended period of time then one of us will be murdered by a foreigner.

8. The Indianapolis Colts are the AFC Champions and will be attending the Superbowl. So sad for you, Brett Favre. Please retire.

9. Peyton Manning, Austin Collie, and Mark Sanchez will eventually be married to yours truly, plus Angeline. Even if we have to kill their wives... Dexter style.

10. I'm impressed with a three legged dog, but that doesn't mean it's going to win the fucking Iditarod.

This is more devastating than Haitian earthquakes.

For those of you that aren't familiar, Michael C Hall has Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is a fancy title for cancer. Words cannot describe how devastated we are by this new development. Of all of the people in all of the world that need to be sick... why is it our sweet, sweet Dexter?! And why the fuck is Mad Men dominating over Dexter in award shows? We are not familiar with Mad Men, nor do we want to be, but we are completely confident that Dexter is a much better television program. Get well soon? Fuck that, get well NOW! We's lovin' you, Michael!

It's time for Daddy to make some funny.

This is some Mortal Kombat shit!

As we're sure you are all aware, Heidi Montag recently fucked herself up by getting ten different plastic surgery procedures in one day. For some reason she believes that this is an improvement. We can all clearly see that she has no fucking idea what she is doing. Thank you, Heidi, for being so stupid because you continue to provide endless amounts of entertainment for us real people. FINISH HER.

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle. (1/25/10)

We realize that we posted two Silver Foxes before Anderson Cooper. We did this specifically because Anderson Cooper is THE Silver Fox and we didn't feel we were ready mentally, physically, or emotionally until tonight. We wish all men would look like this as they get older, but apparently only the gay ones do.

This one goes out to a young lady known as Angeline Peterson. NFL SPANK BANK.

We realize not all of you are as familiar as we are with the attractiveness that the National Football League has to offer. For your convenience, please view from left to right and the numbers will correspond:

1. Pierre Garcon, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: This is the newest member of the greatest team in the NFL. He's repping for our Haitian brothers and sisters in their time of need right now and he makes touchdowns on the regs. Loves him.

2. Ryan Clark, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: We must admit that we are not incredibly familiar with Ryan Clark, but he's got a fine ass.

3. Mike Tomlin (Epps), Head Coach, Pittsburgh Steelers: This man is on this list for Angeline. She loves him and thinks he's new hottness. We do not disagree with this, thus, his appearance on our list.

4. Reggie Bush, Running Back, New Orleans Saints: First of all, he is with a Kardashian, so we like him. Second of all, "BOOM" goes the fuckin' DY-NO-MITE. Third of all, his body is fire.

5. Brady Quinn, Starting Quarterback, Cleveland Browns: How the fuck did we not know about Brady GD Quinn?! This man is scrumptious in more ways than one. We're sorry that you're on the Browns, but when you get traded to a better team because that's what your face deserves... we'll care more.

6. Austin Collie, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: Not only is he an amazing football player on the best team in the NFL, but TOTAL VAGINA DOMINATION. PtotheS: Have fucking Mercy, Austin Collie's parents! PtothePtotheS: Brooke Pendleton-Collie, your days are numbered.

7. Peyton Manning, Starting Quarterback, Indianapolis Colts: This man is currently happily married to Savanah Cerfoglio. She realizes that he may not be the most attractive on this list, but he is the best fucking football player in the league, has an outstanding personality, a Superbowl ring, a hot older brother, and... not gonna lie... he's good in the sack.

8. Mark Sanchez, Starting Quarterback, New York Jets: We were completely unaware of this fine piece of tail until yesterday's total domination by the Indianapolis Colts. If you're sad because you lost, Mark, please feel free to visit Young Circle. Maybe the hottest player in the NFL? You tell us...

9. Hines Ward, Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers: He has the cutest face and biggest smile in the NFL. We just think he's a little peach.

10. Jason Taylor, Defensive Lineman, Miami Dolphins: Jason Taylor, why are you playing football and not modeling for Calvin Klein? You missed your calling, stupid.

11. REGGIE WAYNE, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: His name is in all caps because that's how you're supposed to pronounce it. He is also on this list for the enjoyment of Mrs. Peterson-Sanchez and he's on the greatest team ever.

12. Troy Polamalu, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: The hair.

Apparently, if you're attractive and want to play football for a living, you either get drafted by the Steelers or the Colts. Just an observation. Get Familiar.

We would like to apologize for the delay in making you familiar...

The man showcased above is the reason for our extended absence. We were unintentionally sucked into the vortex also known as the Showtime television series "Dexter". We did not rest for two weeks as we were spending countless hours in front of the television to catch up on all four seasons of this magnificent program. If you have not seen this show, please... Get Familiar.

Also, we got very familiar with Sookeh Stackhouse and Beehl Compton of True Blood. Although we have yet to finish the second season, we are completely enthralled and contribute a portion of our absence to this fantastic HBO adventure.

This is the funniest shit I have seen in a LONG time.

Seriously? I die for this.

Lovin,

Weez

Buck toothed Cyrus is at it again.

Miley Cyrus has decided to remake 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn'. Apparently, it's one of her all time favorite songs? Seriously, Miley?! You couldn't have a GOOD favorite song? Now, our love for Classic Rock runs much deeper than almost any person on this entire planet, but this is just unacceptable. We cannot stand Miley Cyrus and it's unfortunate that we like 'The Climb' and 'Party in the USA', but is it possible for us to even TRY to like this song? This 17 year old slut bag needs to stick to what she knows.... The Disney Channel. You weren't even born in the 80's, Miley!!!

Now please, for the love of everything, please fix your fucking teeth!

Oh, Mr. Michaels, she's 17. Don't touch her privates while recording... kthanksbye.

YAY!

FINALLY! Our favorite Playmate is in labor! She was sent to the hospital last night and will eventually give the world the cutest baby on the planet! We can't wait to see that little schnook! Watch out Basketts, we may be coming to take that little guy from you. Congratulations!

Aww, Jess! Is it because you're fat?

Jessica dear, we know you've had issues since Tony Homo broke up with you, but Billy Corgan? We're pretty positive that he isn't the way to get back at Tony. Apparently, they relate to each other on a "spiritual" level. Jessica tweeted: "My friend, Billy Corgan, has a pure and enlightening outlook on faith."

Maybe this is all a hoax and her Twitter was hacked? We all know she can't spell "enlightening" and she definitely doesn't know to use two commas around Billy's name.

They were seen in New York together earlier this week when she was in town for Ugly Simpson's debut in the musical Chicago. What is happening to the Simpson family?

Mariah Carey blames sucking at life on 9/11 and an epidemic of ADD in America.

In an interview with Paper Magazine Mariah Carey decided to blame the epic failure of "Glitter" and it's subsequent soundtrack on a terrorist attack. Bitch, get familiar. You can try to blame your failure on the absence of world peace if you want, but guess what... you still fucking suck!

"It was after September 11th. A lot of people taking shots at me had no place to go. We are a friggin' ADD, this country. There is a huge ADD situation."

She went on to discuss her terrible childhood and all of the terrible things that happened to her. Of course she couldn't leave the interview without discussing her on going "self esteem issues". Mariah, we understand that you don't like yourself, but if you wouldn't have started making shitty music, continue dressing like a 20 year old when you're clearly 80, and married Nick Cannon then maybe you would like yourself again. Put the saggy tit bags away, dress your age, and divorce your Z list husband. We promise, America's "ADD" will go away...

I literally cannot stand this bitch.

I wish I knew why I hated her so much, but I don't. She is just a waste of space and needs to realize she will never be famous again. Go fall on your ass again, J.Ho.

Lovin',

Sniff