Tivanah's Hot 100 Dead or Alive: Maxim couldn't figure out how to get it right, so it's our turn... with dudes.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal - He's the total package.

2. Ryan Reynolds - He's a ridiculous human and people don't really look like this.

3. Maxwell - With or without a fro, still gorgeous.

4. Robert Downey, Jr. - Hilarious, talented, attractive, and we always like 'em a little bit older.

5. Elvis Presley - It's Elvis...

6. Shia LaBeouf - Who woulda thought Lewis Stevens would turn out this mind blowing?

7. John Krasinski - He's the nicest boy on the planet.

8. Michael C. Hall - The man is Dexter. Need we say more?

9. Patrick Swayze - Nobody puts baby in a corner.

10. Mark Wahlberg - Even with a third nipple, we'd tap that.

11. Peyton Manning (Cerfoglio) - 'Nuff said.

12. John Travolta - Saturday Night Fever days.

13. Jeff Bridges - The Dude is GD sexy.

14. John Stamos - Have mercy!

15. James Franco - Saying you don't think James Franco is attractive is like blowing up a unicorn with a bomb.

16. Marlon Brando - circa 1950's.

17. Pauly Shore - We know it's wrong, but we love the Weasel.

18. Alexander Skarsgard - Words cannot describe.

19. Paul Newman - circa 1960's.

20. Michael Jackson - Don't talk shit, just let it happen.

21. Andrew Keegan - He was our dreamiest dream in sixth grade.

22. Zach Galifianakis - He may not be the most attractive, but he is the funniest.

23. Jim Carrey - We just love him, a lot.

24. Aubrey "Drake" Graham - Everything is better in Canada.

25. Bradley Cooper - Would you put on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.

26. Anderson Cooper - He's a Vanderbilt and the most silver Silver Fox out there.

27. Frank Sinatra - circa 1938 mugshot.

28. Leonardo DiCaprio - Not only was he our favorite when we were 12, but he continues to be one of the greatest men alive.

29. Terrence Howard - Whoop that trick, get 'em!

30. Bob Marley - He speaks to us.

31. Robert DiNero - "You talkin' to me?"

32. Gerard Butler - He's the Sexecutioner.

33. Lenny Kravitz - Savanah's mom would do anything for this man.

34. Alec Baldwin - He may verbally abuse his children, but he is still funny as hell.

35. Heath Ledger - Gone much too soon.

36. Jonathan Taylor Thomas - 1993-1995, he was the dude.

37. Tupac - Probably one of the greatest artists of our time.

38. Rob Lowe - His voice is a dream.

39. Christian Bale - He may be a psycho, but you can't deny.

40. Lil Wayne - Fire.

41. Luke Perry - He's just fantastic.

42. Garth Brooks - Literally one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.

43. 50 Cent - Intelligent, talented, gorge.

44. Andy Samberg - Hangin' like my nuts.

45. Michael Franti - How you feeeelin'?!

46. Ryane Clowe - This hockey player gets Tiffany goin'.

47. Scott Baio - Savanah wants to touch his bing bong.

48. Seth Meyers - He's just cute and his smile... damn.

49. Daniel Tosh - He's hilarious.

50. Dick Van Dyke - circa Mary Poppins.

51. Mike Rowe - Best narrator next to Morgan Freeman.

52. Jesse James - We aren't Team Bombshell, but "Vanilla Gorilla" is GD hot.

53. Jim Morrisson - He's the Lizard King.

54. Al Pacino - He's Scarface.

55. Pepper - The entire band is ripped and Savanah is currently into Hawaiians.

56. Austin Collie - The most attractive Mormon we've ever seen.

57. John Corbett - He's big and tall and strong.

58. Paul Rudd - Even in his Clueless days...

59. Albie Monzo - Yes, it's literally the kid from RH of NJ. Don't judge, just watch.

60. Sean Connery - Oldie, but a goodie.

61. Ryan Gosling - He's a beaut.

62. Ed Helms - Paging Dr. Faggot.

63. Chad Ochocinco - He may be eccentric, but the man is attractive.

64. Gene Kelly - Singer, dancer extraordinaire!

65. Joel McHale - He may be slightly ginger, but there is always an exception.

66. Usher - He's relevant.

67. Nigel Barker - Noted fashion photographer.

68. Justin Bieber - It's legal in Canada.

69. Brian Wilson - Baseball pants.

70. Clint Eastwood - Do you feel lucky?

71. Matthew McConaughey - Alllright, allright, alllright!

72. Edward Norton - He's an outstanding actor.

73. Eddie Vedder - We don't normally like guys with long hair, but yes please!

74. John Slattery - Brown chicken, brown cow.

75. Damian Marley - He's half Bob Marley.

76. Mark Sanchez (Peterson) - Hot damn.

77. KANYE WEST - WHY CAN'T YOU LET HIM BE GREAT?

78. Brady Quinn - Football pants.

79. Will Smith - He makes cute babies and he just looks like he doesn't totally suck.

80. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - He's ripped and Hawaiian.

81. Mark Salling - This little treasure came out of nowhere.

82. Sasha Baren Cohen - TDH + sense of humor = happy chuckies.

83. Brandon "The Truth" Vera - MMA fighter and he's Hawaiian. Done deal.

84. Michael Imperioli - We needed to add another WOP.

85. Giovanni Ribisi - He's adore.

86. Ben Affleck - He's gonna age well.

87. Ralph Macchio - Oh, just another Italian.

88. Sam Wellington - He's Australian and he's in the most epic cinematic adventure ever made.

89. Peter Saarsgard - PEEEETER SAAAARSGARD.

90. Hugh Laurie - British, funny, pretty eyes. Check, check, and check.

91. Tom Hanks and Colin Hanks - Keepin' it all in the fam.

92. Matt Dillon - circa The Outsiders.

93. Anthony Michael Hall - Weird Science.

94. Robert Pattinson - Tiffany disagrees and feels that he should be in the top 20, but the broad didn't agree.

95. Ludacris - He's purty.

96. Jake & Josh Harris - Tiffany is married to Jake, after all.

97. Dane Cook - One of the funniest people alive.

98. Reggie Bush - He tapped THE Kardashian.

99. Emilio Estevez - Emilio!

100. Sterling Archer - Yes, he is a cartoon, but he's hot and hilarious.

Terrifying, but I still love it.

Yes, it's true. My husband's face will be on display at Madame Tussaud's in New York. I'm so proud of him.

Everyone loves GaGa.

This broad just keeps getting better.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi... you just don't know when to zip your fat injected lips, do you? If your plastic surgeon is cutting you off then it's probably time to scale back on the "upgrades". Oh, but wait... your boobs aren't big enough, right?

"I love my boobs, but I still want to improve. I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted." Heidi says, adding that she wants to up them to a size H "for Heidi".

A size fucking H?! No one in their right fucking mind wants boobs that are a size H! And not because you think they'll look good, but you want your boobs to start with the same letter as your name? They'll also conveniently start with the same letter as "Hooker", "Hot Tranny Mess", "Hypocrite", and "Herpes" (which is something that I desperately hope you have). Good Christ, someone please put this bitch down immediately.

Lovin',

Sniff

Fucking bummer.

There isn't a single vagina in this world that is more obsessed with RPatz than me, but I can't help but be disappointed and disturbed by Little Ashes. Sure, Dali is crazy and awkward, but Rob standing in a mirror with a mangina? As much as it pains me to admit it, Savanah was right about this one.

Rob can still do no wrong in my eyes.

The bitch would also like to add that "Rob Pattinson takes the 'n' out of fang".

Poreotix.

We have a weakness for thweety Asian kids that can dance.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm gettin' that, fa sho!

Cancer Sucks.

The kid on percussion reps hard for a cure for cancer.

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle. (3/2-3/6)

I fuckin' love Michael McDonald. He reminds me of good times and he's a total silver fox. Hate on me all you want, you know you'd hit it.

Lovin',

Weez

33HZ - Greatest Band Ever?

Thanks to an adorable boy we know named Cheffy Geoffy, we were introduced to the band 33HZ (pronounced 33 "hertz"). Savanah has had the compact disc for almost two weeks and it has yet to leave her player. Please make yourselves familiar with the ENTIRE self titled album. It will blow your mind.

Dancing With The Has-Beens Predictions

Pamela Anderson-Lee: We read somewhere that she is participating in this contest to "concentrate on good things". Can you dance with Hep C?

Kate Gosselin: This subject is incredibly sensitive for Savanah. Before the shit hit the Gosselin fan, she watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 religiously and was connected to each of the children, except for Maddie because she's an asshole. Having said that, we wish you well possum-head.

Nicole Scherzinger: This is completely unfair for all of the has-beens involved. Bitch is a professional dancer and a Pussycat Doll! That's like going into a singing contest against Whitney "Kiss my ass!" Houston.

Aiden Turner: Who are you? A soap star? Clearly, since you're on a soap opera, you're harboring homosexual tendencies so we're positive you're an outstanding dancer. Good luck, Aiden!

Niecy Nash: What's up Deputy Raineesha Williams? Our team!

Shannen Doherty: Now we got ourselves a party! Somebody is going to get their tires slashed, sparkly outfits will be burned, and eyes will be scratched out if anyone else even thinks about winning. Seriously, vote for Shannen, we don't know what Brenda Walsh is capable of.

Erin Andrews: It's like she has ESPN or something.

Buzz Aldrin: This dude is our hero because he walked on the moon AND he's going to be on DWTHB's all in one lifetime. What an American Legend!

Evan Lysacek: So this dude is an Ice Princess? We didn't really watch the Olympics, but apparently he won gold, so we're sure he's a great dancer. Follow in Kristi's foot steps! We've got our eye on you...

Jake Pavelka: He's a pilot. He's marrying Vienna, the transvestite. And his show was entitled "On the Wings of Love". Lose Jake, lose.

Chad Ochocinco: FUCKING A, DUDE! KICK ASSSSS. This will be the most entertaining part of this entire show. Don't forget your sombrero, Ocho! If they think they're gonna win just tell 'em "Child please, kiss the baby."

Dear Aubrey Drake Graham,

I love you and I want you to know that.

Love,

Sniff

New hubbband alert!

So, I realize that Maxwell is not new to the game, but he is newly blowing my mind and my no no's. This is my dreamiest dream. Football season is about to be over, my jersey will be hung up for the season, so I'm going to go get me some Maxwell compact discs!

Lovin',

Weez

Wannabe GaGa of the week.

Sorry. No...

Give us all of your shoes, Alexander McQueen.

Don't hate. Appreciate.

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/29-1/31)

1. When anyone gives you free tickets to a metal show at The Knit, go. You never know how fast you'll get drunk and find yourself with the only two gays in the place, judging relentlessly, and eventually get back handed by your closest friends.

2. Sometimes, when you see an epic Eazy-E t-shirt, you are unable to form your words and are forced to sound like the Cowardly Lion with "Lllllook at his shirt!". You will be hazed relentlessly until the end of time.

3. Savanah is going to be the best sister-in-law on the planet.

4. If you're unable to attend Peg's Glorified Ham and Eggs due to the massive amounts of douche waiting for a table, please visit Black Bear Diner. Although you may get accosted by a terrifying man in a bear costume, you will consume delicious breakfast food.

5. It's completely unacceptable for D.B. Schwartz to not be at Abby's Highway 40 on Saturday nights.

6. Being two obviously attractive young women dressed up and sitting in the audience of a metal show at Davidson's Distillery is the surest way to not have anyone talk to you. Savanah now goes by "Havana".

7. Shout out to Jenny that works at Salon 7! "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay... okay, I'm a little bit gay." Please visit Tronix to retrieve your purse. Video to be posted after this update.

8. Our friend Cheffrey Geoffrey may or may not be the coolest straight man on the planet. There are very few that will be at the gay bar with us until 3:30AM and be willing to go again. He's the biggest thweety we know. Eric is one of Tiffany's favorite people in the world.

9. We only attract foreign folks now. Savanah met her favorite African in the entire world. There is also video evidence of how fantastic he is.

10. It really makes you feel terrible when you make fun of someone for 20 minutes and then you realize they have some sort of disability. Sorry Jamie Foxx's sister, no hard feelings. We already know we are going to hell with gasoline shorts on.

Hot Tranny Mess of the Day - 2/1

Kesha, where do we even start with you? Honestly, you have left us no choice but to decide you were the best candidate for Hot Tranny Mess. First of all, comb your GD hair. Second of all, please hire a stylist, make up artist, and never wear those shoes again. Third of all, don't do that with your face. Enough said.

Get Well Soon, Father-In-Law, aka Phil Harris

We learned today that Tiffany's father-in-law, Phil Harris, has been put into a medically induced coma and has undergone a serious surgery. F.I.L suffered from a stroke while he was off loading his boat. Jake Harris, Tiffany's husband, and her brother-in-law, Josh Harris, will be speaking with doctors soon. Feel better, Cap'n!

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (1/22-1/24)

1. Don't invite people over to watch outstanding HBO programs unless you are completely positive that they will enjoy said outstanding HBO programs. Shit could get weird.

2. Pegs Glorified Ham & Eggs is the most delicious establishment in Reno, NV. Get a skillet and Get Familiar.

3. Sam Merlotte is Matt Chambers in Season One of Dexter.

4. Sometimes, when you're out on the town, you meet people from Latvia. Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, said people are walking around in your house in their underwear. And sometimes, you're okay with it.

5. The Gold Dust West has outstanding popcorn chicken. Sometimes, you'll find a cute boy to buy you the popcorn chicken.

6. Savanah believes that anyone out in Reno can only be from Reno. If you try to tell her otherwise she will make you show her your identification. After viewing your identification, she will tell you that you made a kick ass fake ID and still not believe you.

7. Tivanah Cerickson is a 50/50 partnership. Savanah is the brawn and Tiffany is the brain. If we are separated for an extended period of time then one of us will be murdered by a foreigner.

8. The Indianapolis Colts are the AFC Champions and will be attending the Superbowl. So sad for you, Brett Favre. Please retire.

9. Peyton Manning, Austin Collie, and Mark Sanchez will eventually be married to yours truly, plus Angeline. Even if we have to kill their wives... Dexter style.

10. I'm impressed with a three legged dog, but that doesn't mean it's going to win the fucking Iditarod.

This is more devastating than Haitian earthquakes.

For those of you that aren't familiar, Michael C Hall has Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is a fancy title for cancer. Words cannot describe how devastated we are by this new development. Of all of the people in all of the world that need to be sick... why is it our sweet, sweet Dexter?! And why the fuck is Mad Men dominating over Dexter in award shows? We are not familiar with Mad Men, nor do we want to be, but we are completely confident that Dexter is a much better television program. Get well soon? Fuck that, get well NOW! We's lovin' you, Michael!

It's time for Daddy to make some funny.

This is some Mortal Kombat shit!

As we're sure you are all aware, Heidi Montag recently fucked herself up by getting ten different plastic surgery procedures in one day. For some reason she believes that this is an improvement. We can all clearly see that she has no fucking idea what she is doing. Thank you, Heidi, for being so stupid because you continue to provide endless amounts of entertainment for us real people. FINISH HER.

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle. (1/25/10)

We realize that we posted two Silver Foxes before Anderson Cooper. We did this specifically because Anderson Cooper is THE Silver Fox and we didn't feel we were ready mentally, physically, or emotionally until tonight. We wish all men would look like this as they get older, but apparently only the gay ones do.

This one goes out to a young lady known as Angeline Peterson. NFL SPANK BANK.

We realize not all of you are as familiar as we are with the attractiveness that the National Football League has to offer. For your convenience, please view from left to right and the numbers will correspond:

1. Pierre Garcon, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: This is the newest member of the greatest team in the NFL. He's repping for our Haitian brothers and sisters in their time of need right now and he makes touchdowns on the regs. Loves him.

2. Ryan Clark, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: We must admit that we are not incredibly familiar with Ryan Clark, but he's got a fine ass.

3. Mike Tomlin (Epps), Head Coach, Pittsburgh Steelers: This man is on this list for Angeline. She loves him and thinks he's new hottness. We do not disagree with this, thus, his appearance on our list.

4. Reggie Bush, Running Back, New Orleans Saints: First of all, he is with a Kardashian, so we like him. Second of all, "BOOM" goes the fuckin' DY-NO-MITE. Third of all, his body is fire.

5. Brady Quinn, Starting Quarterback, Cleveland Browns: How the fuck did we not know about Brady GD Quinn?! This man is scrumptious in more ways than one. We're sorry that you're on the Browns, but when you get traded to a better team because that's what your face deserves... we'll care more.

6. Austin Collie, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: Not only is he an amazing football player on the best team in the NFL, but TOTAL VAGINA DOMINATION. PtotheS: Have fucking Mercy, Austin Collie's parents! PtothePtotheS: Brooke Pendleton-Collie, your days are numbered.

7. Peyton Manning, Starting Quarterback, Indianapolis Colts: This man is currently happily married to Savanah Cerfoglio. She realizes that he may not be the most attractive on this list, but he is the best fucking football player in the league, has an outstanding personality, a Superbowl ring, a hot older brother, and... not gonna lie... he's good in the sack.

8. Mark Sanchez, Starting Quarterback, New York Jets: We were completely unaware of this fine piece of tail until yesterday's total domination by the Indianapolis Colts. If you're sad because you lost, Mark, please feel free to visit Young Circle. Maybe the hottest player in the NFL? You tell us...

9. Hines Ward, Wide Receiver, Pittsburgh Steelers: He has the cutest face and biggest smile in the NFL. We just think he's a little peach.

10. Jason Taylor, Defensive Lineman, Miami Dolphins: Jason Taylor, why are you playing football and not modeling for Calvin Klein? You missed your calling, stupid.

11. REGGIE WAYNE, Wide Receiver, Indianapolis Colts: His name is in all caps because that's how you're supposed to pronounce it. He is also on this list for the enjoyment of Mrs. Peterson-Sanchez and he's on the greatest team ever.

12. Troy Polamalu, Safety, Pittsburgh Steelers: The hair.

Apparently, if you're attractive and want to play football for a living, you either get drafted by the Steelers or the Colts. Just an observation. Get Familiar.

We would like to apologize for the delay in making you familiar...

The man showcased above is the reason for our extended absence. We were unintentionally sucked into the vortex also known as the Showtime television series "Dexter". We did not rest for two weeks as we were spending countless hours in front of the television to catch up on all four seasons of this magnificent program. If you have not seen this show, please... Get Familiar.

Also, we got very familiar with Sookeh Stackhouse and Beehl Compton of True Blood. Although we have yet to finish the second season, we are completely enthralled and contribute a portion of our absence to this fantastic HBO adventure.

This is the funniest shit I have seen in a LONG time.

Seriously? I die for this.

Lovin,

Weez

Buck toothed Cyrus is at it again.

Miley Cyrus has decided to remake 'Every Rose Has It's Thorn'. Apparently, it's one of her all time favorite songs? Seriously, Miley?! You couldn't have a GOOD favorite song? Now, our love for Classic Rock runs much deeper than almost any person on this entire planet, but this is just unacceptable. We cannot stand Miley Cyrus and it's unfortunate that we like 'The Climb' and 'Party in the USA', but is it possible for us to even TRY to like this song? This 17 year old slut bag needs to stick to what she knows.... The Disney Channel. You weren't even born in the 80's, Miley!!!

Now please, for the love of everything, please fix your fucking teeth!

Oh, Mr. Michaels, she's 17. Don't touch her privates while recording... kthanksbye.

YAY!

FINALLY! Our favorite Playmate is in labor! She was sent to the hospital last night and will eventually give the world the cutest baby on the planet! We can't wait to see that little schnook! Watch out Basketts, we may be coming to take that little guy from you. Congratulations!

Aww, Jess! Is it because you're fat?

Jessica dear, we know you've had issues since Tony Homo broke up with you, but Billy Corgan? We're pretty positive that he isn't the way to get back at Tony. Apparently, they relate to each other on a "spiritual" level. Jessica tweeted: "My friend, Billy Corgan, has a pure and enlightening outlook on faith."

Maybe this is all a hoax and her Twitter was hacked? We all know she can't spell "enlightening" and she definitely doesn't know to use two commas around Billy's name.

They were seen in New York together earlier this week when she was in town for Ugly Simpson's debut in the musical Chicago. What is happening to the Simpson family?

Mariah Carey blames sucking at life on 9/11 and an epidemic of ADD in America.

In an interview with Paper Magazine Mariah Carey decided to blame the epic failure of "Glitter" and it's subsequent soundtrack on a terrorist attack. Bitch, get familiar. You can try to blame your failure on the absence of world peace if you want, but guess what... you still fucking suck!

"It was after September 11th. A lot of people taking shots at me had no place to go. We are a friggin' ADD, this country. There is a huge ADD situation."

She went on to discuss her terrible childhood and all of the terrible things that happened to her. Of course she couldn't leave the interview without discussing her on going "self esteem issues". Mariah, we understand that you don't like yourself, but if you wouldn't have started making shitty music, continue dressing like a 20 year old when you're clearly 80, and married Nick Cannon then maybe you would like yourself again. Put the saggy tit bags away, dress your age, and divorce your Z list husband. We promise, America's "ADD" will go away...

I literally cannot stand this bitch.

I wish I knew why I hated her so much, but I don't. She is just a waste of space and needs to realize she will never be famous again. Go fall on your ass again, J.Ho.

Lovin',

Sniff

Where does this come from?

Whoever taught this gay white boy how to do this....CALL US.

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (12/4-12/6)

1. Red lipstick, Johnny Rockets, and the cheap Cabernet from the GSR is an epic beginning to any friday night.

2.If you have a bi-polar sister....do not text message her that you see someone she knows at the bar because she will in turn text message them and horribly embarrass you in front of mass amounts of dude.

3. The Bar Directory is a bust. It is full of a bunch of chick's in shoulder pads and dude's so ginger you can't see their eyebrows. But thanks Blanche for bringing the entertainment.

4. Apparently every lesbian that ever lived in this town is here right now so if you feel like getting a vag tickle just head on down to the T-Ron.

5. We don't care that Toys for Tots is a charity if they get in our fucking way of going to Peg's on a Saturday morning for our weekend breakfast we will cut a bitch. DON'T. DO. THAT. AGAIN.

6. Melting Pot is the most amazing emporium in this town. We could spend all of our money there on giraffe hats, alligator gloves, elf booties (for our kids we don't have), jingle jangles and bongs. And Forrest Gump works there....bonus.

7. Savanah doesn't like the movie The Breakfast Club. She'd never seen it and after all the build up it was just a bunch of kids arguing in a library and talking about how their parents are assholes. No shit douche fags....all parents are assholes.

8. They say cock a lot in "The Ugly Truth."

9. Sitting at Bully's and trying to watch 4 games at the same time is very hard. Especially when you are greatly hungover and 2 Coors Lights and 1 Bloody Mary deep.

10. WE FOUND A NEW BAR....IT'S COMPLETELY HIDDEN...TOTALLY RAD...AND YOU'LL NEVER FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get Familiar with: Captured! by Robots

There wasn't a single video that could do this justice but we tried to pick the best one we could. This Saturday we had no plans on going out whatsoever, until we got a cellular telephone call from the people we refer to as "The Tenniers." After telling Mike Tennier that we had no plans on going out he informed us that they were going to see a band with ALL ROBOTS. Naturally we immediately got in the shower and drove to meet them. Upon arriving at "The Zephyr" we were unimpressed with the 10 dollar cover charge and amount of scary dude in the immediate area. All of our worries were set aside when we witnessed the mind blowing art that is "Captured! by Robots." This kid literally is a one man band that has programmed robots to play all of his music while he sings along. We're talking drums, bass, guitar and horns. Not too mention he plays all cover songs mostly including...Don't Stop Believing, Mr. Roboto, Weird Science, Surfin Bird, Whip It, etc. On a night where we had no plans to do anything we were enlightened to some epic degree by one man from San Francisco that we shall never forget. All shows in the future will be attended by Tivanah Cerickson and if you knew what was good for you...y'all would be there too.

Greatest Family Guy excerpt EVER???

There are no words...just enjoy.

Whoa... whoa... whoa...you're makin us look bad.

We must say first of all that we love the Kardassian's more than anyone else but Kourtney seriously? You are like 15 months preggers...and wearing lingerie. Never was that appropriate or will that be appropriate and why oh why did your sisters stand by and let that go down. Tiffany is clearly a skank. But would I let her walk out of the house 8 months pregnant in a teddy and some fuck me boots....no, no I would not. I happen to like her and don't want people to judge her more than they already do. So, for future reference E! channel and Ryan Seacreast (who we hate, yet respect at the same time for all of his business ventures) please cover up the pregnant bitches you are trying to exploit.

Lovin!

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle.

First of all:DDDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!

Second of all: His last name is Slattery, which is kind of funny, a little dirty, and worth judgement so we like him even more.

Apparently he is on a program called Mad Men which we have clearly heard of before but do not watch because January Jones is on it and she sucks at life and mainly acting WHICH IS HER FUCKING JOB.

Third of all: Muhfucker is the shnazz.

God Dammit this kid is attractive...

You may or may not be aware of the fact that the Manning brothers have an OLDER brother named Cooper. Although Savanah is in a committed relationship with Coop's brother Peyton she can not (and will not) deny the fact that Cooper is clearly the hottest of all Manning's. Unfortch for this little nugget he has some sort of spine dysplasia and his football career was cut short before he could be great and get a ring like his brohams. You know what Coop? Fuck the ring boyfriend you got the pretty face and probably all the vag. Congrats to you my friend.

Hot Tranny Mess of the Day - 12/7

Refund Gap like Jwhoa.....JwoWW. Good luck this season sister, you're gonna need it.

Tiger caught without his stripes...?

According to recent reports, Jaimee Grubbs (the chick from VH1's Tool Academy that was dumped by Sean for Aida) has been having a "31 month affair" with the golfer. She claims to have over 300 text messages from him and a voicemail where he claims that his wife might know about the "affair". Get this! She has stated that they have had 20 sexual encounters. First of all, how desperate are you to COUNT your "sexual encounters" and second, 20 in "31 months"? That's two and a half years people! That's less than once a month. At least make the "affair" worth while! Jesus H Jaimee! Be a better liar.

Us Weekly is releasing the story in the magazine hitting your news stands tomorrow. Ch ch ch check it!

Yet another "Courtney Lovin" example...

This particular image was taken immediately following 8 hours of drinking. If this isn't a successful "Courtney Lovin" then we aren't sure what is. Note: Savanah realizes her entire rack is hanging out and that's what adds to the entire transformation.

Jbiebs....

You people judge me for loving this kid but I judge you for not loving him! You have to love him after watching this...

Lovin,

Weez

Apparently this is called "hyperrealistic sculpture?"

Mind-Blowing Art (58 pics)

Click the jump and see all 58 pictures...trust me you love this.

Lovin,

Weez

Holy, Christmas Present!

This is a silicone doll. A DOLL!! You have got to see the rest of the pictures, they are disturbing how much they look like real chicks. One of these sluts can be yours for a mere $7,000 dollars. Go to izismile.com to see the full gallery of pictures, trust me it is a must see.

Lovin,

Weez

Dude....whatever.

Just face it. You will never be as good at anything as Asian's are at everything.

PtotheS: It gets real at about the 1:10 mark.

Lovin,

Weezy

Somebody call the vet cause this puppy is sick!!

Ya digggg.

Lovin,

Weez

This is called "Courtney Lovin" yourself.

Weekends in Reno, NV can get pretty boring, so for broads like us, we like to go out and see how broke down we can get in a short amount of time. We enjoy taking a picture at the beginning of the night when we are fancified and at the end of the night whilst we are eating Jack in the Box. We proudly refer to this transformation as "Courtney Lovin" ourselves. We invite all of our readers to set the same goals for your Friday and Saturday nights. Please send all pictures to us via email or comment and we will gladly repost. Above is an example of our transformation and we are positive that we will post more cause we ain't skerd!

Silver Fox of the week we wanna thnuggle.

This week's Silver Fox is Dr. Drew Pinsky of Love Line and Celebrity Rehab fame. We awarded him this honor because a) he is gorgeous b) he looks wicked hot in a short sleeve black t-shirt and c) he is committed to helping those of us that have substance abuse problems which, clearly, we respect him for.

Here's to you, Dr. Drew!

For those of you that are unfamiliar, please make yourself familiar.

As if we needed more reason to love GaGa.

Oh, how we wish we could be home to catch the performance on Ellen, seeing as we are obsessed with GaGa and Savanah's life revolved around Ellen for five solid months. GaGa is crazy and we love it:

"I didn't fit in in high school and I felt like a freak," she tells Ellen DeGeneres in an interview to air Friday. "So I like to create this atmosphere for my fans where they feel like they have a freak in me to hang out with and they don't feel alone." "The whole point of what I do – The Monster Ball, the music, the performance aspect of it – I want to create a space for my fans where they can feel free and they can celebrate," the singer, 23, says.

Do we really need to explain why we love the Kardashians?

These intelligent young women will stop at nothing to get what they want. Their newest goal is to be on Oprah. They come up with the craziest schemes.... sound familiar?

@KimKardashian: My goal in life is to go on the Oprah Winfrey Show, we need 2 plan & plot! How can the Kardashian sister get on Oprah????
@KhloeKardashian: go to africa for a few weeks and get lost adopting a baby. Kourt and I will come and find you! Africa + adopting= Oprah
@KimKardashian: I have no problem getting lost in Africa, but really adopt? Can't I just steal Kourt's baby? Someone should kidnap us!
@KhloeKardashian: OMG! Forget Africa! I have the perfect plan. Let's go to Cuba, find Tupac! You have a baby by him!!! Tupac + Babies=Oprah
@KimKardashian: We only have 635 days left until Oprah is off the air, no time to get kidnapped! Can't U & Lamar just adopt me?
@KhloeKardashian: we can be a rap group... Tupac the lead and us three like the supremes... Wooohooooooo

Pussycat Dolls rumored breakup?

Could it possibly be true? Are the dolls really done? Pinocha gato munecas?! It can't be. It seems as though the girls are unhappy that Nicole Scherzinger, or the Queen PCD as she likes to think of herself, wants to pull a Beyonce and "further her career". Too bad you aren't Beyonce, Nicole. Good luck on that "solo" career.

Who do you think is the best celebrity look a-like?

Tivanah votes bitch face Heigl.

Get Familiar With This Hot Tranny Mess - 11/25

There is no one in Hollywood more deserving of the title "Hot Tranny Mess" than Heidi Montag-Pratt. The bitch's face changes every three months with each routine visit to Dr. Nip/Tuck and her fake ass, ratty blonde "hair" isn't far behind. Tivanah clearly hates this "bible thumping" slut more than almost anyone. Her douche bag husband and his flesh colored beard don't help her case.

Not only do we hate that she pretends to love Jesus, but we loathe the fact that she thinks she can SING and... DANCE! She has decided to title her debut album Superficial. Is she fucking serious? With that title and this cover how does she not expect to be hazed relentlessly? It's okay though because according to Stephanie Pratt "she has always wanted to be a famous singer". Well, we hope that doesn't work out for you, Heidi. But in the name of good sportsmanship, we'll let you continue on in your efforts to achieve greatness as a pop sensation. We will gladly look on from the background and judge every move you make.

Every Kardashian knows better, or so we thought.

Maybe it's every man's fantasy to sleep with a porn star? Recent reports state that Rob Kardashian is doin' it with Lisa Ann - the star of "Who's Nailin' Paylin?". Rob Kardashian is a little thweety and he shouldn't be sleeping with a porn star, let alone one that played that stupid bitch Palin.

Lisa Ann says, "Rob treats me like his little teacher and we have a fun sexual relationship that is simple and carefree. He brings out the total cougar in me and I just like to teach him things."

Fucking gross.

Quick, how do you catch ADHD?

According to recent reports, children with attention deficit hyperacitivty disorder, or ADHD, are being treated with marijuana. Obviously this has caused somewhat of a heated debate. Shit...I say if you got it smoke it.

Looks like someone needs a "feel better no no touch" by the Weez.

Apparently the little thweetness JBiebs fell down at a show in London and done broke his foot bone. As soon as I win tickets to the "Every Pedophiles Dream" tour featuring Justin Bieber I will tend to his wounds.

Side Note: If someone could pick me up from Parr the night after that show (or at least put money on my books so I can get Burger Barn) that would be awesome. Last name is spelt Cerfoglio...I will be booked on child molestation charges.

Lovin,

Weezy

Nobody Wants to See a Fist Pumping Guido Unhappy...

Apparently, an Italian-American organization called "UNICO" is incredibly upset with the MTV show Jersey Shore. We couldn't be happier about the December series premiere, but UNICO is upset because this "trash television" claims to have the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos". Are they sad that they weren't cast?

Wannabe GaGa of the Week.

There isn't a single celebrity in the entertainment industry that can do what GaGa has and will. We feel very passionately about her person, her music, and her insanity. That being said, back the fuck off J Ho., or "Lola". You're on the D List because you fucking suck. It is no longer 2001 and no one gives a fuck about you or your big ass. Stop biting GaGa's style and Beyonce's idea of an alter ego. As stated in previous posts, this is what you get for thinking you're still famous, Jennifer.

Get Familiar With This Hot Tranny Mess - 11/24

Those that know us are clearly aware that we love the gays more than any breeder on this planet. Unfortunately, Adam Lambert wins the title of Hot, Tranny Mess today. His performance Sunday night at the AMA's was less than spectacular. His "voice", aka screaming, was about as off key as Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson's. We are all for some lip action with the band, but boys on leashes and mouths being shoved into crotches? Highly inappropriate even for us, and we are raunchy bitches. He does get points for being the last performance of the night and not even being the winner of American Idol, but his silver nails and his failed attempt at a fierce faux drag him back into the negative.

Let the "no no parts" Touching Commence.

We would clearly enjoy some alone time with Mr. Taylor Lautner. Is he 18 yet? Ahh, fuck it. Prison can't be that bad and it would be soooo worth it.

Savanah can't draw a Hitler stash and devil horns on this thweety!

How many RPatz posts can I get away with?

This is the beginning of my tally of RPatz posts. How many can I accomplish before Savanah changes the password on the blog? :)

You can only milk it for so long, Jermaine.

I wonder how long it is going to take for Jermaine to finally realize that he will never be Michael Jackson. Am I saddened to my core that you lost your brother? Of course. BUT... I'm SURE you were just so "honored" to accept awards on your God-like brother's behalf. How about you go back to the hole that you came out of and stop trying to make millions off your brother that was MURDERED. Asshole. Please go away now.

Love,
Sniff

Fivesome with the Kardashians!

We are so completely in love with each one of these dimes. There really isn't much else that can be said that wasn't already said in the title of this post.

Daphne vs. Mogley - Daphne WINS.

One fine Saturday afternoon, Savanah and I decided to take Daphne for a little walk to Scolari's. Unfortunately for Daphne, we were in the middle of crossing a busy street when she was viciously mauled by a stupid mutt named Mogley. She was literally lifted off the ground, hands and feet, by her ear and a small portion of her jugular. She was swung about like the chim chim (rope toy) she generally plays with. Mogley's bitch of an owner kicked him in the face, screamed "What the fuck are you doing, Mogley?" and continued on her merry way. Not so much as an apology escaped that stupid slut's mouth.

Fortunately, we finished crossing the busy intersection only to learn that Daphne is a fucking champion and didn't give a fuck about what had just happened to her.

Moral of the story... don't trust dogs named Mogley.

Can has pretty shoes?

We would like to own the ones in the middle. Would someone care to donate $1,000 to the "We Wish We Were GaGa Fund"?

10 Things We Learned This Weekend (11/20-11/22)

1. Even one Jager Redbull is one too fucking many.

2. A homemade turkey sandwich does not compare to Taco Nachos when you are completely hammered.

3. Paula Abdul has an amazing stylist. Bitch is always dressed to the nines.

4. Don't go to Diamond Billiards unless you'd like to watch obese couples massage each other's asses and make out to Staind.

5. If the power goes out while you're trying to watch Tough Love then you can always lay in bed with your best girlfriend and discuss bitches "settin' up camp" in other bitches reproductive organs.

6. www.guidofistpump.com may or may not be the best website we have ever stumbled upon.

7. We can talk any straight man into go to the gay bar with us. They always have the time of their life.

8. Bartender Bill at Tronix is our new BGF.

9. Whitney Houston is officially smack free.

10. Peeing in the Men's bathroom at Club Underground will forever change you... in the worst ways possible.

Chris Brown, what did you do?

We recently acquired the "Rated R" compact disc released by the one and only Rihanna. She uses the words "bitch", "fuck", "mother fucker", "shit", "nigga", and we're almost positive every other inappropriate verbage on the planet. How does this make us feel inside? We feel like Chris Brown should be doing more than cleaning up the dirty highways of Virginia. He is single handedly responsible for the above shown transformation from the innocent and wholesome Caribbean native to the barbed wire encrusted, hot, tranny mess. We will never forgive you, Chris Brown. Not now... not ever.

Fist Pump Anthem

We spent a majority of Sunday afternoon attempting to locate this phenomenal piece of music so we could brush up on our fist pumping. Skip to the 2 minute mark and get your guido on.

Shocker! These queens are from San Francisco?

Those kicks are better than the DCC's!

Spank Bank!

John Stamos - Have mercy!

50 Cent - He could shoot us in the face any day.

Common - He laughed at Savanah's joke.

Darius Rucker - Hootie.

Steve Ward - We got nothin' - he's fucking hawt.

James Franco - "James Franco, let's see your privates".

Lil Wayne - We would both be his 75th baby mama.

T.I. - Every girl loves a felon.

Peyton Manning - Savanah literally believes that she is in a full blown, committed relationship with this man.

Terrence Howard - Hustle n Flow.

Scott Baio - Middle aged Italian man.... (Tiffany doesn't agree)

Mark Salling - Yes please!

Rob Pattinson - Tiffany is currently having an orgasm... (Savanah doesn't agree)

Robert Downey Jr. - There's something about a drug addict that loves hookers that really gets us fired up.

Jake Gyllenhaal - He's so beautiful he's like a fucking unicorn.

Ryan Reynolds - Easily the sexiest man alive.